Understanding the Lifestyles Culture

An Insider's Guide to Swingers & Lifestyles Community…

Please note that this same introduction is used as a lead in to our other articles for the BDSM Culture, as well as for Bisexuality & the Transgender Community. In addition, what follows was actually three separate articles which have been merged here into one cohesive piece.

Introduction:

It’s only through a sense of understanding that we are able to grant a true depth of empathy, consideration, & acceptance for one another. So even though we may or may not have a personal interest in a particular desire, if we can come to understand the basic dynamic that belies a certain culture then we can at least carry a deeper appreciation for that which we see & those who move within it. This stands for 'all' interactions in life, but even more for the sub-cultures of the alternative scene.

Indeed, regardless of your interests - be it to simply go to a club & just be in the scene, perhaps to lean more toward that of an open relationship, a personal exploration of sexual desire, a want for the more intense aspects of BDSM, or even if you're drawn to a fetish based fantasy or bisexual orientation - the greater reality is that there’s really very little which separates us. After all, each is simply a subset of the greater sub-culture for the Adult & Alternative Community. And in truth, there's all too often a very definite cross-over from one cultural interest to another.

So regardless of your focus, what follows will provide for you a basic but fairly well defined insider’s guide to just what the Lifestyle Culture & Swinger Community is really all about. If you’re on the outside looking in, then you’ll at least be granted a sense of awareness for just what it is that you see. If, however, you are a member of the culture, then it will perhaps grant you a higher degree of insight so that you can further explore your desires & make more sense of the journey before you.

Found here, however, we won’t try to answer the elements of "How-To"
       but will instead offer an open discussion more inclined as to What it’s all about...

A Night without Armor - the core issue of personal judgment & sexual desire...

Michelangelo sculpts a woman in the nude & it becomes a work of classic regard. Da Vinci paints a couple coming together & it’s unquestionably a work of art. And yet, take a photo of two people having sex, & most without hesitation would see it as pornographic, perhaps even obscene.

Why is that?

What if I told you that this same photo was of a couple who were deeply in love, married, & it was during this moment that they had actually conceived their first born? Even then, most would still shy away.

Why is it that throughout history so many have had such deep issues with the sexual nature of their kind? All too often we see people acting as if it was a great & perilous wrong, sometimes even seeing it as nothing more but a necessary evil to the propagation of the species! Indeed, western theology has been all but steeped in the need to deny one’s sexual desire altogether.

This in my mind is an absurd way of looking at something that is in essence not only a part of the fabric that’s been woven into the core foundation of what we are as a living being. But also something which is really quite beautiful, & the manifestation of both the caring desire to please another & a core foundation to develop a deeper intimacy with that individual.

Sure, on a purely physical level it perhaps doesn’t carry the impact & virtue of two people in love sharing a sense of true connection & deep intimacy. But even as a casual encounter, it’s still not much more than the mutual desire of one person giving simple pleasure to another - similar in a sense to that of giving someone a massage to relieve the day’s stress & tension. And yet, because of its personal nature we attach so much more to it without any real thought or consideration as to why. So the question remains: why are we as a society, so often, so deeply repressed about something that carries such a place of clear prevalence in our fundamental nature?

The answer is actually rather clear albeit often overlooked. If you want to come to know a person, or even a society as a whole, then there are three areas that you must come to understand: their politics, their theology, & their sexual practice. Indeed, most of all we must come to understand what drives one's sexual practice. For it is when we look at ourselves sexually (& can do so in the glaring light of honest awareness) that we then bare our souls & offer a clear glimpse into the deepest aspects of our inner nature. To thus look at ourselves in a sexual context, then what we ultimately see is a clear reflection of the personal aspect to who we are as a person (or as a people). To be judged in this view is to literally cast a light on the deepest aspects of our most inner nature & the core values we hold within.

Quite obviously, it takes a level of serious strength for a person (let alone a society) to lay it on the line like that; such actions are a night without armor & this is to be truly naked. Indeed, it takes deep courage to lay oneself open to such vulnerability. So is it really any wonder that history has thus continued to evolve within an underlying theme of such sexual repression & denial? With this in light, we can then see why it’s so much easier to just throw oneself into a theological debate &/or to cast the nature of one’s sexual desire into the shadows of arbitrary denial…

But herein lays the beauty of the Lifestyle Community (& for that matter, the whole realm of the adult culture). Such pursuits not only provide an avenue for physical & sexual gratification, but also a realm by which to provide the means for personal discovery. To then share that journey with an equally suited partner (if one does so from the perspective of personal & interpersonal growth) then a profound dynamic can take hold that is built on the continued evolution of trust, open communication, absolute passion, & potentially a level of love that is experienced by few. 

Swingers vs. the Lifestyle Community - is there really a difference?

The quick answer, not really…

By strict definition, a ‘Swinger’ is a Couple engaged in a sexually open relationship. A person engaged in the ‘Lifestyle’ is simply anyone (be it a couple or single) who participates in the Alternative Lifestyle Community - which is to say, a person who engages in continued sexual activities beyond the scope of a strictly monogamous relationship.

The term ‘Swinger’ was born in the 1970’s. The creation of ‘The Pill’ a decade earlier brought with it a new sense of power & control for women. This combined with the free love attitude of the flower power generation & eventually yielded a sexual revolution that rivaled any in history. The Hippies had grown up, & although the kids who reveled in the summer of love were now parents & professionals, the conservative shackles of the 50’s had long since been cast aside. Enter the 1970's, & a time of personal & sexual indulgence was the avenue of the day. The 80’s brought up a further focus on excess & the Lifestyle Community was in full fashion.

Of course, the reality of AIDS slowed things down a good bit (& for good reason), but even such paramount issues didn’t crush it altogether. New attitudes had formed, & society had seen the birth of a new subculture that was carried into its every corner.

Mind you, the concept of an open sexual relationship is anything but new. In Ancient Greek & Roman society the modern activity of the Swinger would seem tame at best. Various patriarchal societies throughout history have not only seen men carrying families with several wives, but in fact most traditions viewed the number of wives a man had as a sign of status. Open sexual relationships were often a very common & accepted practice. The puritan attitudes of the dark ages, however, put a damper on everything until the tolerance of the Enlightenment & Renaissance finally said 'Enough Already!' (Perhaps not in those exact words). Actually, the likes of Benjamin Franklin was renowned for his precocious ways, as was the whole of European high society around his time.

Fast forward to the 1970’s & you saw a blending of not only a resurgence in an earlier desire of sexual decadence, but also an open engagement for the power of women in society as well. The end result was a mainstream movement toward equal rights & a subculture of sexual empowerment & experimentation. Amidst all of it, the Lifestyle Culture of the Swingers were born…

The Culture as at Its Best (& Worst):

Make no doubt, the personal dynamic created by the Swinger’s Culture offers a unique avenue for couples to engage in a much deeper level of open communication, & to build an unprecedented level of trust within their relationship. Beyond the sheer excitement of exploring one’s physical desires & sexual fantasy, the inner dimension to explore the intimacy of the relationship on an interpersonal level can be truly profound.

Let’s face it, unless you were lucky enough to meet your partner through such a forum, then it takes an ENORMOUS level of trust in your relationship (& comfort with your partner) to lay it on the line & pose the possibility for such a pursuit. Once done, it can then create an incredible channel for open dialogue that can soon spill over & eventually encompass ALL areas of the relationship. The thought that such a pursuit exists on a purely physical level is deeply misconceived.

Indeed, this is the culture at its best.

There is of course the other side. You see them every once in a while, & it’s always disconcerting when you do. A couple who is quite obviously following the fantasy of one partner while the other is all but dragged on board with a complete unwillingness to participate (but does so anyway, usually with a feeling of contempt or even with a tint of battered resolution to their own sense of self). There’s no communication & no regard for the other's feelings. It’s always a bad situation, & it always ends poorly.

This without question is the culture at its absolute worst.

A Word of Warning…  

Couples who follow this pattern beware. This is a dangerous game, for unless there's an absolute agreement for both to mutually enjoy the experience, then all you’ll succeed in creating is a level of deep resentment. Even if you’re partner does warm up to the idea, be careful of what you produce. It’s highly likely that under such circumstances you will not move forward as ‘a couple’ but rather as two individuals who are simply traveling the journey, each on their own regard & for their own purposes. This may very well be the Pandora’s Box that can’t be closed. So beware of how you approach the possibility within your relationship, & be very clear in your understanding of why you want it.

Also, you'll sometimes see people who are having problems in their relationship & decide to get into swinging just to ‘spice things up’ (doing so with the hope that this sense of infused adventure will fix everything). Nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve personally seen relationships blow apart because of such thinking, & I wouldn’t even consider engaging such a couple ever again. The inner dynamic of the lifestyle will, I can assure you, serve as a megaphone for any insecurities that you carry within, & that applies to you personally as well as to your relationship. So before you complicate things, you need to be standing on solid ground - both personally, as well as a couple.

Seeing your husband or wife with another can be one of the most erotic things you’ll ever do. But only if you enter into it with a strong sense of who you are as a person & where you stand as a couple. Your partner WILL respond differently to another person than they do to you, & they will be deeply engaged in the throws of absolute passion & ecstatic desire while doing so. If you aren’t ready for that or can’t really handle it then such insecurities will have an opposite effect & become an immediate wedge that will draw deep issues almost immediately to the surface. This can be a good thing (at least you’ll get it all out in the open), but only if you have the communication & availability to then pursue such an opportunity. However, since you’re here to ‘fix’ things, one must assume that these were problems to begin with & that can yield a very destructive end result.

So keep a clear sense of what the culture is really all about, & beware of moving forward for reasons that are of anything less than a shared exploration of mutually agreed sexual desire & personal discovery. But to do so in the right frame of mind, then the journey ahead will be the thing that created the fantasy in the first place.

The Swinger’s Lifestyle vs. the Polyamorous Relationship:

Whenever you discuss the ‘Lifestyle’ Culture, you need to understand the essential difference between the Swinger’s Community & that of a truly Polyamorous Relationship. Not all who share in a Polyamorous lifestyle are Swingers, & not all swingers are in a truly open relationship. There is actually a profound & notable difference between the two, & it’s a serious error to see them as identical (or even as really all that similar)…

The Community Taken as a Whole:

Exactly who are Swingers?

As a group, they’re as varied as society itself.  Indeed, man’s hierarchy of needs lists sex as a primary drive just after air, water, food, clothing, & shelter. As such, it's a deeply rooted & primary aspect to who & what we are. In that,  however, some are very repressed about their sexual desires while others are quite comfortable within themselves. Some are, well lets face it, sexually boring; others have an open mind & a true willingness to explore. The end result is this - take a look at the phone book, delete out all the religious zealots (then add a few back in), & in any cross section of that which remains you’ll find a surprising percentage who engage in the Lifestyle’s community.

Mind you, there are many levels to participation. More often you’ll find a couple who's engaged in a degree of fantasy exploration & have only limited encounters with a select few. Sometimes that will continue throughout the relationship, sometimes it will fulfill a fanciful need & then be left to one’s memories. On the other side of the scale we see couples engaged fully in the community, meeting friends in the culture on a fairly regular basis & actively participating in any one of the many clubs & groups that the lifestyle provides. 

Private Forums: Select private groups or individual associations that meet for active encounters & fantasy exploration...

The Club Scene: More public & predominantly commercial venues fall into essentially two categories…

The Bottom Line is This...

In short, the community is as culturally & socio-economically diverse as the country itself. To ask ‘why are people swingers?’ is to ask ‘why do people have sex (when they aren’t making babies).’

The group as whole, however, tends to be a fairly homogenous bunch. Most are generally open minded with regard to their sexual practices & almost always comfortable within themselves. In that, they're willing & wanting to thus explore themselves, their relationship, & their mutual desire for sexual intrigue. It is that touch of spice that makes the whole journey of life so much more fulfilling. And in the end, that’s what it’s all about.

The Rules of the Game:

It’s not like we have stone tablets or anything, but this is generally the accepted norm…

• Safe, Sane, Healthy, & Discreet - at all times & in every encounter.
• No Means No. There can be no tolerance for pushy or abusive behavior.
• Never do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Everything should move forward comfortably & at your own pace.
• Never play without the full approval & consent of your partner.
• That Means No Cheating!
• Arrive as a couple, leave as a couple, & forever stay a couple…
• No photo’s or video unless invited to do so.
• Generally speaking, drugs are out unless mutually agreed by all parties.
• Discreet means that family & friends should never know…
  
• And lets face it, the kids don’t want to know anyway!
  

A Matter of Health:

The community has seen a deep resurgence in recent years. AIDS & STD’s still lurk in the shadows but they are now more understood. As an unpleasant reality, those who participate in the culture have a deep awareness of the risks involved, & thus healthy practices have kept such issues contained. The high risk nature of the community has always been a concern for many. But in truth, it is this understanding that makes it a safe place to play. People on the whole are very safe in their practice & very aware of their health, not only for their own safety but for the safety of those around them (of course, there are always a few bad apples in every communal barrel).

Although I must admit that perhaps this isn’t an absolute, it is none the less a generally shared understanding. But even more, it's my opinion that a more dangerous encounter is to meet a woman at a bar & have casual sex without any knowledge of her practice. In the scene, to have such a conversation is quite the norm & even to some degree expected.

The Case for ‘Adultery’...

Every time I see myself on the verge of judging someone for how they decide to live their life, I just remember that there’s a bible-thumping Baptist in the Midwest somewhere that would love to cast me down to the bowels of hell for how I live mine. Honestly, that’s his problem, not mine (although it has amused me to consider the sheer paradox that ultimately his message is to preach tolerance, empathy, & understanding). Don't be misled, ethically as long as a person lives their life in a manner that is not detrimental to those around them & carries within them a conduct that is consistent with leaving the world just a bit better than how they found it, then they have in every regard lived their life on moral high ground.

Indeed, there is only one common denominator that has transcended ALL theological & philosophical thought in the realm of ethics & morality - just one... The Golden Rule - restated a thousand different ways it comes down to this: treat others as you yourself would wish to be treated…

In this we must question the concept of adultery. For all too often people are conflicted over what is in all reality a very simple but misunderstood concept. So let’s be clear - the act of ‘Adultery’ (contrary to popular opinion) is NOT an act of sexual regard! The act of Adultery is a betrayal of TRUST. Acting in a manner that your integrity within the relationship can no longer be trusted is for most an unforgivable wrong. But let’s be clear, this has absolutely NOTHING to do with sex (at least not as an act in & of itself).

Even more, consider for a moment the broader idea that there are universal principals which have been carried throughout history & which can be recognized in literally every culture since the birth of civilization. They are fundamental & can be seen as a kind of universal truth to the nature of man. Such examples would be Justice, Truth, Virtue, Compassion, etc...

However, such concepts in & of themselves are rather abstract, & different cultures will thus view the same value differently. Take for example the fundamental concept of Justice. In every walk of man since the beginning of time he has held within him an understanding for 'Justice' (the notion that there is right & wrong). It is a primary concept & it can not be denied. BUT, even though everyone has a fundamental understanding for the concept itself, what someone then sees as being actually just is then defined by the accepted norms of the culture as a whole (i.e. a gang member will have a very different view of justice than that of a little old lady from Utah, but both will have an understanding for the core concept).

Adultery is without question a societal value, & as such it is then open to interpretation...

It is for this that we need to understand why such ideals exist within our society in the first place. Indeed, it’s been said that when a lie is told over & over enough then it will eventually become an accepted truth, & this is the case here.

                                                                                

In early civilization, people were aware that when man & woman would lie together often a child was born. Anthropology lesson aside, the end result was the creation of marriage to ensure the sanctity of the family (this same avenue was often used to tie bonds from one family to the next for the purpose of political positioning).  Now even though you have a deep level of commitment to those you love, for the times the act of sexual engagement still had the potential to create a pregnancy out of wedlock. The fundamental idea was that sexual engagement out of wedlock was thus at risk to break apart the sanctity of the family & thus the sanctity of marriage. As such , 'Adultery' came to be seen not just as an act of betrayal, but even if it was an approved practice it was still an affront to the sanctity of the family bond.

Enter an era of birth control, & the same concept of marriage, sex, & adultery still prevails. However, now the issue of pregnancy & disease isn’t the dark misunderstood mystery it was a few thousand years ago. The end result is that a new ideal for sexual interaction is needed but has thus far been hindered by a societal norm which hasn’t been relevant since the dark ages (there was a reason they called it The Dark Ages). What's needed now isn’t a redefinition of the word, but rather an understanding for its roots & the historical context of where such an ideal came. And in that, we need to understand that in the context of a modern society the act of adultery is to be seen as a betrayal of trust & has nothing to do with sex!

The sexual act of two consenting adults, regardless of how it is practiced (if all stand in mutual agreement) IS living in a fashion of moral integrity. In that, it’s okay to be different. That’s what makes it such an interesting world to live in.

The Scene as a Fully Evolved ‘Lifestyle’

Most people in the culture use the scene as an added dimension to spice up an otherwise well balanced life. Others use it to simply fulfill a basic need or fantasy. But there are a select few that fully embrace the culture as a complete lifestyle. They don’t spend their days pretending to be something they’re not, but instead carry some aspect of the culture throughout almost every aspect of their lives. In general, this type of individual usually falls into one of two categories…

The first is a person who has embraced the full spectrum of their nature & has quite simply come to realize that this aspect of their character is a primary aspect of who & what they are as a person. They have thus infused their life with all aspects of the culture & do so happily as they then lead a truly fulfilled & completely satisfied life. They may have founded a group or run a professional organization that caters to the Lifestyle, their friends are primarily those of the Swinger Community, & their partner is most certain attune to such wants & desires. But the key consideration here is that although the culture is interwoven into various aspects of their existence, they are none the less completely balanced individuals. It’s a big complex world out there & without question they move & interact within it.

On the other end of the scale, you find a very similar person who also moves within the community as a complete lifestyle. But here we find a slightly different dynamic. Here we find an individual who has not only embraced this aspect of his or her nature, but who has engrossed themselves completely. Every aspect of their life is enmeshed within the culture. It’s a fine line, but it’s an important distinction.

There are those who have embraced the culture as a lifestyle, & then there are those who have completely engrossed every aspect of who & what they in the scene as a hedonistic pursuit. Now I’m not placing any judgment on how one leads their life (it is after all, their life). But I would question whether or not this is healthy. It is most certainly good to embrace the whole aspect of one’s true nature. But the later I would compare more to that of a workaholic. In truth, they aren’t really embracing much of anything. What they’re really doing is using this one aspect of their fundamental nature to essentially hide from everything else.

I’ve now alluded to this several times but life is a tapestry. Its richness lies in our ability to embrace the full capacity of our inner desire & the whole spectrum of our true nature. That’s what the Lifestyle Community & Alternative Culture is really all about. It is most certainly an avenue through which to satisfy our most primal desires & can do so on both a very fundamental & purely physical level. But it is also a unique forum to explore the full character of our most inner nature. It is not best used as a sanctuary within which to hide. So engage yourself in the community. Do so willfully & for the purpose of mutual benefit & positive influence. But in the end, it’s a big beautiful world out there. So live in it, & do so with a full shaker of spice that our community can provide. As you weave the tapestry more fully together, enjoy all that you are & live your life to its fullest extent. And take a moment to gain a sense of understanding for those that are around you. We all live in a rich world full of diversity. Judgment will generally disappear once you have a sense of true understanding, & that’s what its really all about…

- Richard A.D.

                                                                                                                                                                                                               

An Essential Foundation to Understanding Sexual Repression:

A Quick Guide to Carl Jung & the Shadow Self…

There’s a big difference between admiring something & being turned on by it. If I’m a guy & look at a gorgeous woman that completely turns me on then I’m sexually attracted to her. If I see a guy who's completely lean with a perfect physique then I can look at him with complete admiration. But such a response is not a sexual response, it’s a personal reaction. I see beauty & in turn reflect a sense of what "I" could be.

If I'm comfortable within my sexuality then this degree of admiration offers no threat or need to shy away. However, for those who are unable to carry such a consideration then one of two things is in play. Either they are purely afraid of the response that others would have to such a statement, or they are in fact somewhat repressed within their sexuality. But there's a bit more to it...

Enter the name Carl Jung.

Jung was one of the founding fathers of modern psychology & stood in direct opposition to Sigmund Freud on several major issues (& no, we’re not going to go there). Jung defined some of the most profound elements to understand the inner workings our mental processes: The Shadow Self, & the Mask & Mirror of our internal persona.

Found within this is the very engine that drives sexual repression. So for our purposes here, this will be the core consideration for our topic.

                                                                                                                         

Understand that as we move through life & grow as an individual, we take various actions in the field of our experience. In return the world responds to such conduct, & ultimately it is from this response that we begin to soon see an overall impact, both on our character as well as the many attributes that create our personality make-up. Now some of these interactions cause a positive reinforcement, & as a result we begin to internalize such beliefs or behaviors allowing each to then become an outward expression of our building persona. But often we face an effect that is not of a positive nature. We face fear & draw back. We face rejection & internalize such feelings as we struggle against our natural need to belong. Shame & moments of humiliation all have an impact on who & what we are. Indeed, for every action we make within the world there is a reaction within our existence, & attached to that there is also a lesson learned & an attitude that is soon internalized.

As a result, the ego (which regards everything from a perspective of oneself & carries with it the tendency of self-preservation) begins to soon play watchman & will keep from us any of those characteristics that do not meet with our own ego-ideal (that ideal as to what we feel we should be). The end result is that parts of our personality are essentially repressed & become basically hidden, both from the world around us & even more importantly from ourselves. What evolves is that many aspects to our character become pushed down, out & away from our conscious view, back into the dark recesses of our unconscious psyche. Over time these combined ‘sub-personalities’ work to create an aspect of our character that is hidden from the light of our conscious awareness; it is in essence a “shadow self” if you will. In short, it is the face of our persona that we would rather not show to the world. So, as we try to then live out the life of our ego-ideal, this aspect to our persona tends to remain internally hidden, unconsciously removed from the open view of our own conscious self.

Indeed, everyone has within him something of the criminal, the genius, & the saint. For when our inner sense of reason discovers the irreconcilable nature of polar opposites, the consequence is most often repression. We want to be this & are taught that we must repress all which is that. Ultimately, such repression leads to the development of a ‘shadow self’. But it is in the same manner that we also begin to create an outward shell to then carry forth those aspects of our persona that we are willing to share with the world - a social mask if you will…       - Carl Jung.

Our ‘social mask’ is the general persona which we present to those around us & acts as kind of a protective outer barrier to keep us from rejection & emotional harm. But often (although not always), who we really are as a person is to some degree a direct counter to what we actually present. So if we are to truly find an avenue for self-discovery & would then strive to actually come & understand just who we really are, we must be willing to first look past our social mask & see what really lies beneath, allowing perhaps for the first time a full & open disclosure of just what truly lay within us.

In this, one must understand that the mind has a natural function to strive for a sense of wholeness within its being, & those aspects of our persona that have been so deeply repressed are in fact a necessary fiber to the internal sense of our own true self. By design, whether they derive from a positive or negative attribute, such characteristics don’t exist within us to be destructive but are ultimately created for a purpose that is good (for indeed, it is our natural instinct to only carry those qualities that are complimentary to our survival). In that, even the most deeply negative attributes carry a positive aspect to their nature & may have their time & place. Each represents a part of what we are & even carries a talent of sorts that may in turn offer a level of positive aspect to give us strength & which would then work to make us personally whole as an individual.

However, if kept as only a repressed trait, or if the underlying issue that such a repression carries remains unresolved, then it will either work to unconsciously offer its influence in a generally distorted fashion or will otherwise be manifest in only an inappropriate manner. Indeed, it is primarily through this mode of behavior that it works to again make itself known & is thus brought back into the light of our active awareness. Now if left unattended then obviously this would offer a very negative influence. But it also opens a window of insight. For although we unconsciously repress certain aspects to the shadow self, we thus have a natural tendency to also act them out & even unconsciously to project them into the environment that surrounds us. So as our social mask then hides us from the world, it is thus through such acts of unconscious projection that this same world becomes a mirror to our own true personality.

You see, as a form of emotional self-defense, if we harbor deeply felt anxieties about any internally repressed feelings or character traits, & if these aspects are indeed felt within us but are deemed by the ego to be simply unacceptable, then rather than to face such a discord within ourselves (which is in direct conflict to the function of the ego), we will instead tend to unconsciously project those feelings &/or traits out onto the people & external circumstances which surround us. As we then move forward in a state of general denial, it will therefore appear as if these qualities actually exist in those around us rather than within ourselves (usually disproportionately).

For example, if we carry a fair deal of greed within our heart but hold a great deal of disdain for this specific characteristic because of some past circumstance or teaching, then it will generally be repressed deep within the unconscious aspects to our shadow self. Now since it is so difficult for us to face the existence of such a trait within our character (much less to embrace it as a part of who we are as an individual), then the only way we can express it as a part of our personality is to project it outward to those around us. As a result, we begin to see the world not as it is, but rather as a mirrored reflection of how we are. In this, we will tend to thereby judge more harshly those around us as “greedy” & will almost always do so in a disproportionate manner than that which really exists (or perhaps even confusing the simple nature of assertive qualities with greed). Now it's true that there must be a motivator of some type to have created such a transfer in the first place, but it's this latent quality within us that causes such a distorted judgment to essentially take place, & which then acts as the signal to allow such transference to then become so apparent.

But even more, in an unconscious act for complete self-justification, we will also tend to attract a certain degree of actual greed into our lives as a result. This aspect to our nature tends to create a type of vortex in our life for which such circumstances are then drawn, & it is here that we begin to create for ourselves a mirrored reflection of our true inner self. For example, if an individual who’s personal life or love life seems to exist in a recurring theme of absolute chaos, & if such a recurring cycle indeed does persist, then such a state will generally exist only because of a manifestation of some unresolved inner issue & because that person is attracting that element of chaos to his or her life in the first place!

But let’s take this concept just one step further…

Consider that we are drawn to others by that which we carry inside, & if we didn’t posses a certain quality at all then we literally wouldn’t be able to recognize it in those around us. This means that if you are inspired by someone’s greatness or sense of courage, then it is only because you carry such greatness within you. And even though such qualities may not be fully expressed in your life at the current moment, they are none the less present within you, & you do in fact have the ability to manifest any such quality to which you can then relate (be it good or bad). Just keep in mind that it is not the entire person we mirror, but rather the quality or trait that is being demonstrated at that moment - only this particular quality is what lies within you, not the whole persona. - Debbie Ford, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers.

So just what does all this really mean? That the world as we see it, judge it, & project out into it is but a mirrored reflection of who we are & what we hold inside - this is where we find a true representation of our inner selves. And because that which is most important to us carries with it a high degree of emotional involvement, we must then look more specifically for those traits that, for some reason, really leave us emotionally charged - the degree by which we are emotionally involved is key, for this will represent the degree of our personal attachment.

Also, as we then project these aspects of our nature out onto the world around us, we will continue to see a pattern or set of defining characteristics, & will continue to attract whoever or whatever into our existence as a continuous cycle until such lessons are learned & the underlying issues are resolved. So it's important to look at & recognize those scenarios that are of a recurring theme & which may thus offer an insight into some aspect of our underlying personality (that which may obviously need our attention). With such recognition, we may then look at what really affects us & use it as a catalyst to uncover the fundamental attributes to our ‘shadow self.’

Do keep in mind, however, that not all is worthy of such analysis. If you carry an issue that really doesn’t hinder you or which quite simply is not worth such attention then pay it no regard. You need only to attend to those concerns that deter you from forward growth or which represent some issue of unrelenting paradox & cycle of unease.

Also, look to the real issue & don’t over analyze everything just for the sake of analysis. Sometimes bad things happen & occur for no real reason. Sometimes life gets really busy & things just get a little out of control. The resulting chaos is not some internally derived grand scheme of self-sabotage. So focus only on the deeper issues & that which has truly created an underlying theme of negative influence throughout your life.

Serving then as an identifiable bridge between the active thoughts of our conscious awareness & the internal issues of our unconscious mind, we find the elements of self-talk: that continual dialogue that we carry within ourselves. This is a key tool to the attitudes we keep & the ultimate guide to understanding the unconscious aspects to our internal persona. So listen to the attitudes you carry & the messages you reflect. Step outside of yourself & take an honest look at what is conveyed. Consider not just the words or messages that are carried, but also the attitudes & beliefs that belie them. See this dialogue & the spirit it carries for what it truly represents. Are you generally positive or negative? Where does your ongoing focus truly lie? Deep down inside, do you see yourself as capable & strong, or do you feel perhaps inadequate & allow yourself to be held in check by an eternal sense of fear? Do you see yourself as someone who is in control of your future & in charge of your destiny, or do you play the victim & hide behind circumstances while blaming others or the situation before you? Perhaps you find yourself constantly giving others the same advice that you yourself should be taking?

Found within such a dynamic we see the clear result of repression, sexual & otherwise... But as we then come to understand just how this affects our life, we may then work to achieve the personal breakthrough that will allow its release, & thus create a freedom to explore ourselves more fully as an individual - both sexually & personally.

- Richard A.D.

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