Understanding the True Nature of Sexual Identity

The True Nature of Heterosexual, Bisexual, & Homosexuality.

Plus, an understanding for the TS/TG vs. TV Community.

Please note that this same introduction is used as a lead in to our other articles for the BDSM & Lifestyles Cultures.  In addition, what follows was actually three separate articles which have been merged here into one cohesive piece.

Introduction: It’s only through a sense of understanding that we are able to grant a true depth of empathy, consideration, & acceptance for one another. So even though we may or may not have a personal interest in a particular desire, if we can come to understand the basic dynamic that belies a certain culture then we can at least carry a deeper appreciation for that which we see & those who move within it. This stands for 'all' interactions in life, but even more for the sub-cultures of the alternative scene. Indeed, regardless of your interests - be it to simply go to a club & just be in the scene, perhaps to lean more toward that of an open relationship, a personal exploration of sexual desire, a want for the more intense aspects of BDSM, or even if you're drawn to a fetish based fantasy or bisexual orientation - the greater reality is that there’s really very little which separates us. After all, each is simply a subset of the greater sub-culture for the Adult & Alternative Community. And in truth, in the adult scene there's all too often a definite interest to explore one's self more fully. So regardless of your focus, what follows was created to define a sense of insight into the essential topic of sexual orientation, bisexuality, & a brief insight into the Transgender Community.  If you’re on the outside looking in, then you’ll at least be granted a sense of awareness for just what it is that you see.

A Night without Armor - the core issue of personal judgment & sexual desire...

Michelangelo sculpts a woman in the nude & it becomes a work of classic regard. DaVinci paints a couple coming together & it’s unquestionably a work of art. And yet, take a photo of two people having sex, & most without hesitation would see it as pornographic, perhaps even obscene.

Why is that?

What if I told you that this same photo was of a couple who were deeply in love, married, & it was during this moment that they had actually conceived their first born? Even then, most would still shy away.

Why is it that throughout history so many have had such deep issues with the sexual nature of their kind? All too often we see people acting as if it was a great & perilous wrong, sometimes even seeing it as nothing more but a necessary evil to the propagation of the species! Indeed, western theology has been all but steeped in the need to deny one’s sexual desire altogether.

This in my mind is an absurd way of looking at something that is in essence not only a part of the fabric that’s been woven into the core foundation of what we are as a living being. But also something which is really quite beautiful, & the manifestation of both the caring desire to please another & a core foundation to develop a deeper intimacy with that individual.

Sure, on a purely physical level it perhaps doesn’t carry the impact & virtue of two people in love sharing a sense of true connection & deep intimacy. But even as a casual encounter, it’s still not much more than the mutual desire of one person giving simple pleasure to another - similar in a sense to that of giving someone a massage to relieve the day’s stress & tension. And yet, because of its personal nature we attach so much more to it without any real thought or consideration as to why. So the question remains: why are we as a society, so often, so deeply repressed about something that carries such a place of clear prevalence in our fundamental nature?

The answer is actually rather clear albeit often overlooked. If you want to come to know a person, or even a society as a whole, then there are three areas that you must come to understand: their politics, their theology, & their sexual practice. Indeed, most of all we must come to understand what drives one's sexual practice. For it is when we look at ourselves sexually (& can do so in the glaring light of honest awareness) that we then bare our souls & offer a clear glimpse into the deepest aspects of our inner nature. To thus look at ourselves in a sexual context, then what we ultimately see is a clear reflection of the personal aspect to who we are as a person (or as a people). To be judged in this view is to literally cast a light on the deepest aspects of our most inner nature & the core values we hold within.

Quite obviously, it takes a level of serious strength for a person (let alone a society) to lay it on the line like that; such actions are a night without armor & this is to be truly naked. Indeed, it takes deep courage to lay oneself open to such vulnerability. So is it really any wonder that history has thus continued to evolve within an underlying theme of such sexual repression & denial? With this in light, we can then see why it’s so much easier to just throw oneself into a theological debate &/or to cast the nature of one’s sexual desire into the shadows of arbitrary denial…

Sexual Orientation:

In our series of understanding the adult cultures, there isn’t really a great deal to say on this particular topic. Sexual orientation is a simple choice to live true to one's self.  However, it's worth it to clarify a couple key points that seem to be misunderstood by most (or at least a great many).

A Note on Bisexuality: My first understanding of bisexuality actually occurred at a fairly young age. Just after starting college I met an absolutely beautiful girl named Lisa. For the times (pre-internet) & given her age, she was by far one of the most sexually liberated people I’ve ever encountered. The physical chemistry between us was something magical, & to this day I can’t forget it. On top of it she was also a true bisexual. For although I was her boyfriend, she also had a very committed girlfriend. Indeed, for the first year or so she had her girlfriend apart from our relationship. In the end, however, we evolved into a complete triad. Lisa was the link-pin that held us all together, & although we were each focused more on her, make no mistake the three of us were together as one harmonized unit.

It was during that first year, however, that she explained the nature of her desire & why such a need for her girlfriend wasn’t a threat. She actually made it very clear, & its simplicity quite frankly put me at ease for the rest of our time together. She basically said that there was something about a man that she absolutely has to have. The way he feels, the way he responds to her, the way he carries a primal desire as to sexual want; even the way he sees the world & how he sees her in a relationship, the fun we had when we went out - it all was a deep desire that she absolutely had to have & that no woman had the capacity to fulfill. But there was also something about a woman that she craved. The softness of her body, the tender nature of them both together, the way she moved, the incredible desire for her beauty; all countered by the way they could relate to each other, the way they'd communicate & interact when they were together. In the end, she needed both. She absolutely needed what a man gave to her -&- what a woman provided her. Neither was threatened by the other because neither was even close to the same. It was our individual & unique qualities that made her crave both at the same time, & it was for this that our relationship eventually evolved into one harmonized interaction.

I gave to each of them & they each gave to me. In time we all came together in a truly polyamorous relationship. Now mind you that an orientation toward bisexuality is not in & of itself indicative of the need for an open relationship. But the sexual & personal desire for both sexes is a core element to the inner dynamic at work.

A Better Understanding for Sexual Orientation:   Contrary to popular belief, there actually seems to be four dimensions to sexual orientation. However, it must be explicitly understood that such dimensions DO NOT represent the placement of any one individual into specifically one category or another. Such lines are completely & always blurred in every respect. So much so that in the end what you end up with is a continually evolving scale that moves essentially from one end of the spectrum to the other - all in one progressive shade of gray vs. black & white.

The Transgender Community vs. Transvestite Desires (a key difference):

It must be understood that a person in the Transgender Community is not wrestling with issues of sexual orientation. Quite the contrary, they are wrestling with a very deep issue of Sexual Identity. In the strictest sense they are not actually gay. They are a heterosexual in the wrong body. Obviously this makes for some confusion & quite clearly they travel best in the gay community. But the nuance of such a consideration, although seemingly small at first glance, is actually quite significant.

It should also be noted that not all transsexuals make a full transition from one sex to another. Some will come to understand that they are in fact ‘Trans’-sexual. Their true identity lies somewhere in the middle. And as advanced as surgical procedures have become, they will still never be completely 100% man or woman. As a result, some do stay in a pre-operative state. That said, this isn’t usually the case for most, & the majority do strive to complete the process.

And yes, although it represents a much smaller percentage of the overall culture, some women do cross-over to become men just as men transfer to become women. It should also be noted that the term transsexual & transgender are interchangeable - there is no difference between the two.

Transgender vs. Transvestite - One point of some confusion, however, is the term ‘Transvestite.’ A Transvestite is actually a cross-dresser. That is to say that it’s actually a man (or woman) who dresses as the opposite sex for the purpose of gender-bending role play. They are, however, still the same sex & have made no actual physical augmentation to their sexual identity. A person who is Transgender has in fact been surgically & physically altered to assume the identity of the opposite sex.

It must also be understood that transsexuals DO maintain a crisis with sexual identity. Transvestites, on the other hand, generally do not. They are individuals with a specific fetish, & in fact most are not even gay. They enjoy playing the ‘role’ of a woman for a specified period of time, but have absolutely no interest in actually ‘becoming’ a woman (or less commonly a woman dressing as a man).

- Richard A.D.

Supplemental Addenda

An Essential Foundation to Understanding Sexual Repression:

A Quick Guide to Carl Jung & the Shadow Self…

Let’s be clear - when you see someone of the same sex who works out five or six times a week & you admire their physique in a generally intrinsic sense then you’re not gay...   You’re not even bisexual...   What you are is someone who is perfectly secure within themselves & their own sexuality. It is only ‘because of this’ that you are thus able to admire someone who has worked with great effort to achieve such a sense of worthy admiration & physical form. It’s God’s great art, & there’s nothing wrong with admiring art in any form…

There is however a big difference between admiring something & being turned on by it. If I’m a guy & I look at a gorgeous woman who completely turns me on then I’m sexually attracted to her. If I see a guy who is completely lean with a perfect physique then I can look at him with complete admiration. But such a response is not a sexual response, it’s a personal reaction. I see beauty within him & reflect perhaps a sense of what "I" could be (or perhaps what I have also achieved within myself). What most admire is, in a sense, a reflection of their own inner beauty. It’s also a recognition of what it may take to build such a physique. That is something which we can all admire with a sense of deep respect & true appreciation. This, however, is a world away from actually being turned on by it, & thus sexually attracted to it.

Speaking to those who are unable to carry such a sense, they are witnessing one of two things. Either they're just afraid of the response that others would have to such a consideration, or they are in fact somewhat repressed within their own sexuality.

The end result is this. Societal issues are a valid concern. If you need to move through society in a certain manner for this reason or that, then this is an issue that must be addressed. In that, however, the Adult Alternative Culture can help to provide a validated outlet for such a need, & perhaps more importantly it can do so discreetly. But in the end, one way or another, you must live a life that is true to yourself. You don’t have to stand on the top of the closet & yodel. But you should at the very least be clear as to who & what you are as a person, & then strive to live with a sense of integrity based on that understanding. Only then will you ever be able to find a level wholeness within yourself, fulfillment within the life you lead, & satisfaction to your personal & sexual desires.

Enter the name Carl Jung.

Jung was one of the founding fathers of modern psychology & stood in direct opposition to Sigmund Freud on several major issues (& no, we’re not going to go there). Jung defined some of the most profound elements to understand the inner workings our mental processes: The Shadow Self, & the Mask & Mirror of our internal persona.

Found within this is the very engine that drives sexual repression. So for our purposes here, this will be the core consideration for our topic.

Understand that as we move through life & grow as an individual, we take various actions in the field of our experience. In return the world responds to such conduct, & ultimately it is from this response that we begin to soon see an overall impact, both on our character as well as the many attributes that create our personality make-up. Now some of these interactions cause a positive reinforcement, & as a result we begin to internalize such beliefs or behaviors allowing each to then become an outward expression of our building persona. But often we face an effect that is not of a positive nature. We face fear & draw back. We face rejection & internalize such feelings as we struggle against our natural need to belong. Shame & moments of humiliation all have an impact on who & what we are. Indeed, for every action we make within the world there is a reaction within our existence, & attached to that there is also a lesson learned & an attitude that is soon internalized.

As a result, the ego (which regards everything from a perspective of oneself & carries with it the tendency of self-preservation) begins to soon play watchman & will keep from us any of those characteristics that do not meet with our own ego-ideal (that ideal as to what we feel we should be). The end result is that parts of our personality are essentially repressed & become basically hidden, both from the world around us & even more importantly from ourselves. What evolves is that many aspects to our character become pushed down, out & away from our conscious view, back into the dark recesses of our unconscious psyche. Over time these combined ‘sub-personalities’ work to create an aspect of our character that is hidden from the light of our conscious awareness; it is in essence a “shadow self” if you will. In short, it is the face of our persona that we would rather not show to the world. So, as we try to then live out the life of our ego-ideal, this aspect to our persona tends to remain internally hidden, unconsciously removed from the open view of our own conscious self.

Indeed, everyone has within him something of the criminal, the genius, & the saint. For when our inner sense of reason discovers the irreconcilable nature of polar opposites, the consequence is most often repression. We want to be this & are taught that we must repress all which is that. Ultimately, such repression leads to the development of a ‘shadow self’. But it is in the same manner that we also begin to create an outward shell to then carry forth those aspects of our persona that we are willing to share with the world - a social mask if you will… - Carl Jung.

Our ‘social mask’ is the general persona which we present to those around us & acts as kind of a protective outer barrier to keep us from rejection & emotional harm. But often (although not always), who we really are as a person is to some degree a direct counter to what we actually present. So if we are to truly find an avenue for self-discovery & would then strive to actually come & understand just who we really are, we must be willing to first look past our social mask & see what really lies beneath, allowing perhaps for the first time a full & open disclosure of just what truly lay within us.

In this, one must understand that the mind has a natural function to strive for a sense of wholeness within its being, & those aspects of our persona that have been so deeply repressed are in fact a necessary fiber to the internal sense of our own true self. By design, whether they derive from a positive or negative attribute, such characteristics don’t exist within us to be destructive but are ultimately created for a purpose that is good (for indeed, it is our natural instinct to only carry those qualities that are complimentary to our survival). In that, even the most deeply negative attributes carry a positive aspect to their nature & may have their time & place. Each represents a part of what we are & even carries a talent of sorts that may in turn offer a level of positive aspect to give us strength & which would then work to make us personally whole as an individual.

However, if kept as only a repressed trait, or if the underlying issue that such a repression carries remains unresolved, then it will either work to unconsciously offer its influence in a generally distorted fashion or will otherwise be manifest in only an inappropriate manner. Indeed, it is primarily through this mode of behavior that it works to again make itself known & is thus brought back into the light of our active awareness. Now if left unattended then obviously this would offer a very negative influence. But it also opens a window of insight. For although we unconsciously repress certain aspects to the shadow self, we thus have a natural tendency to also act them out & even unconsciously to project them into the environment that surrounds us. So as our social mask then hides us from the world, it is thus through such acts of unconscious projection that this same world becomes a mirror to our own true personality.

You see, as a form of emotional self-defense, if we harbor deeply felt anxieties about any internally repressed feelings or character traits, & if these aspects are indeed felt within us but are deemed by the ego to be simply unacceptable, then rather than to face such a discord within ourselves (which is in direct conflict to the function of the ego), we will instead tend to unconsciously project those feelings &/or traits out onto the people & external circumstances which surround us. As we then move forward in a state of general denial, it will therefore appear as if these qualities actually exist in those around us rather than within ourselves (usually disproportionately).

For example, if we carry a fair deal of greed within our heart but hold a great deal of disdain for this specific characteristic because of some past circumstance or teaching, then it will generally be repressed deep within the unconscious aspects to our shadow self. Now since it is so difficult for us to face the existence of such a trait within our character (much less to embrace it as a part of who we are as an individual), then the only way we can express it as a part of our personality is to project it outward to those around us. As a result, we begin to see the world not as it is, but rather as a mirrored reflection of how we are. In this, we will tend to thereby judge more harshly those around us as “greedy” & will almost always do so in a disproportionate manner than that which really exists (or perhaps even confusing the simple nature of assertive qualities with greed). Now it's true that there must be a motivator of some type to have created such a transfer in the first place, but it's this latent quality within us that causes such a distorted judgment to essentially take place, & which then acts as the signal to allow such transference to then become so apparent.

But even more, in an unconscious act for complete self-justification, we will also tend to attract a certain degree of actual greed into our lives as a result. This aspect to our nature tends to create a type of vortex in our life for which such circumstances are then drawn, & it is here that we begin to create for ourselves a mirrored reflection of our true inner self. For example, if an individual who’s personal life or love life seems to exist in a recurring theme of absolute chaos, & if such a recurring cycle indeed does persist, then such a state will generally exist only because of a manifestation of some unresolved inner issue & because that person is attracting that element of chaos to his or her life in the first place!

But let’s take this concept just one step further…

Consider that we are drawn to others by that which we carry inside, & if we didn’t posses a certain quality at all then we literally wouldn’t be able to recognize it in those around us. This means that if you are inspired by someone’s greatness or sense of courage, then it is only because you carry such greatness within you. And even though such qualities may not be fully expressed in your life at the current moment, they are none the less present within you, & you do in fact have the ability to manifest any such quality to which you can then relate (be it good or bad). Just keep in mind that it is not the entire person we mirror, but rather the quality or trait that is being demonstrated at that moment - only this particular quality is what lies within you, not the whole persona.  - Debbie Ford, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers.

So just what does all this really mean? That the world as we see it, judge it, & project out into it is but a mirrored reflection of who we are & what we hold inside - this is where we find a true representation of our inner selves. And because that which is most important to us carries with it a high degree of emotional involvement, we must then look more specifically for those traits that, for some reason, really leave us emotionally charged - the degree by which we are emotionally involved is key, for this will represent the degree of our personal attachment.

Also, as we then project these aspects of our nature out onto the world around us, we will continue to see a pattern or set of defining characteristics, & will continue to attract whoever or whatever into our existence as a continuous cycle until such lessons are learned & the underlying issues are resolved. So it's important to look at & recognize those scenarios that are of a recurring theme & which may thus offer an insight into some aspect of our underlying personality (that which may obviously need our attention). With such recognition, we may then look at what really affects us & use it as a catalyst to uncover the fundamental attributes to our ‘shadow self.’

Do keep in mind, however, that not all is worthy of such analysis. If you carry an issue that really doesn’t hinder you or which quite simply is not worth such attention then pay it no regard. You need only to attend to those concerns that deter you from forward growth or which represent some issue of unrelenting paradox & cycle of unease.

Also, look to the real issue & don’t over analyze everything just for the sake of analysis. Sometimes bad things happen & occur for no real reason. Sometimes life gets really busy & things just get a little out of control. The resulting chaos is not some internally derived grand scheme of self-sabotage. So focus only on the deeper issues & that which has truly created an underlying theme of negative influence throughout your life.

Serving then as an identifiable bridge between the active thoughts of our conscious awareness & the internal issues of our unconscious mind, we find the elements of self-talk: that continual dialogue that we carry within ourselves. This is a key tool to the attitudes we keep & the ultimate guide to understanding the unconscious aspects to our internal persona. So listen to the attitudes you carry & the messages you reflect. Step outside of yourself & take an honest look at what is conveyed. Consider not just the words or messages that are carried, but also the attitudes & beliefs that belie them. See this dialogue & the spirit it carries for what it truly represents. Are you generally positive or negative? Where does your ongoing focus truly lie? Deep down inside, do you see yourself as capable & strong, or do you feel perhaps inadequate & allow yourself to be held in check by an eternal sense of fear? Do you see yourself as someone who is in control of your future & in charge of your destiny, or do you play the victim & hide behind circumstances while blaming others or the situation before you? Perhaps you find yourself constantly giving others the same advice that you yourself should be taking?

Found within such a dynamic we see the clear result of repression, sexual & otherwise... But as we then come to understand just how this affects our life, we may then work to achieve the personal breakthrough that will allow its release, & thus create a freedom to explore ourselves more fully as an individual - both sexually & personally.

- Richard A.D.

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